Everybody's After Cloud's Goods
by IcePrincess777
Summary: It seems that everyone wants a piece of Cloud, though not in the traditional sense. Much lemon and yaoi. Chapter 11:KadajxYazooxLozxVincentxCidxBarrettxTsengxRufusxRenoxRudexZackxHarry PotterxEd ElricxOC and CloudxSephiroth.
1. Vincent

**Everyone's After Cloud's Ass**

AN: As an intro to my first fanfic in about three years and first Final Fantasy fic ever, I'd like to say that it's good to be back and good to have discovered something new to write about in the interim. Also, I don't own any of the characters, as much as I'd like to.

**Chapter 1: Vincent**

A fire red dawn began as the sun glided triumphantly above the horizon around Midgar. Rays of the glorious new day streamed forth, opening eyes of the same crimson hue. Vincent Valentine hadn't really been asleep before; only closing his eyes to the dark but familiar surroundings and let his mind drift back to a happier time. A saying of old crossed his mind as he gazed upon the blood red orb of light rising above the distant mountains.

"Red in the morning, SOLDIER take warning."

Vincent had a bad habit of picking up on omens that he sometimes would rather have missed. He sighed, resenting that this signaled the dawning of another era of bloodshed in the planet's unusually violent recent history.

"I suppose I had better warn the others. It's better that we're prepared for the worst even if it means sacrificing what may be the last moments of peace that will ever be available to us", Vincent mused to himself as he gothed off down the road to central Midgar.

A breeze played across his face, sweeping the leaves ahead on the trail into impossibly lifelike silhouettes. The wind whispered from the mouth of the foremost of its three leaven figures before whisking them away into the thin air from which they had appeared.

"Show me your reunion and I'll show you mine."

Vincent could have taken this as confirmation that he had indeed seen an ominous foreshadowing of what was to come; most likely the fourth incarnation of Sephiroth. But he instead took it as a challenge. He _was_ at a fork in the road after all and it made sense at the time to take the metaphorical route as well as the real one. Besides, this one had a much greater potential for pleasure. Taking the left hand and much less well maintained trail, Vincent gothed off into the sunrise. Today would be a day to be rued for very few except for him. For the reason that he continued onto Midgar was no longer to warn AVALANCHE of what he saw, but to show the world a reunion that it would remember until the very end of whatever imminent catastrophe awaited it.

"Today", he thought, "I am going to fuck Cloud Strife so hard that even those who dwell in the Promised Land will hear it."

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AN: Funny how the story's title doesn't become relevant until the very last sentence of the first chapter. For now it's getting so late that it's early, but seeing as I haven't much more time to finish the story, the first update shouldn't be far behind. The "gothed off" thing is sort of an inside joke, but if Lewis Carroll gets to make an entire poem out of made up words, then I can damn well make up words as well. XD


	2. Reno

Disclaimer: I still don't own any of these characters or the song "Photograph" by Def Leppard, as much as I'd like to. This fic contains much lemony goodness, so if you're underage or just not into that kind of thing, then I kindly suggest that you search elsewhere for your fanfiction fix.

**Chapter 2: Reno**

A familiar blood red light poured in through the window of an unbelievably messy apartment. At first glance or even at first smell, which was usually about ten feet down the hallway on either side of the door, one would be surprised that the place had not yet been condemned, locked and labeled with a shiny new biohazard sign. A thin layer of dust, crumbs and mold lay over stained furniture, long unwashed dishes and counters and beer bottles whose ages were flirting with antiquity like snow on an indoor landfill. Under rumpled sheets and several discarded bags of snacks, a fuzzy pile of red hair snored loudly and contentedly. The digits on the clock resting on a mound of rancid laundry next to his head blinked from 5:59 to 6:00 and simultaneously turned on the radio.

"_Look what you've done to this rock and roll crowd!",_ Def Leppard blasted as Reno groaned, squinting against the new daylight. He rolled off the bed unceremoniously, his head meeting the ground with a resounding thump.

"Ow!", he moaned weakly as he crawled toward the bathroom. It was just his luck that he should find the only bare spot in the apartment when falling on it. Disrobing on the way, he hopped over his bathroom's resident six foot tall mushroom and into the shower.

"_Look what you've done!_

_I've got to have your photograph!"_

Reno hummed along with the radio as he absentmindedly shampooed his hair, then grabbing a bottle and using it as a makeshift microphone to sing along (albeit in a very dissonant way) with the chorus.

"_I don't want ya!"_

"_Photograph!"_, the backup chimed in. Reno danced awkwardly around the shower.

"_I don't need ya!"_

"_Photograph!"  
_

Sliding out into the hallway, completely dry and fully dressed in a suit stolen from the set of Men in Black, but still clutching the shampoo bottle, Reno belted out the final line of the song's chorus while taking a glorious rockstar-esque position for his audience.

"_All I've got is a photograph!"_

A fist pounded the off button of the radio, startling Reno and prompting him to look over at the black leather clad sliver-haired miscreant that had interrupted his solo. A single mako blue eye stared back at him, cat-slit pupil widening to take in the sight of his prey.

"Pity", Kadaj said in a tone just above a whisper. "I would have preferred it if you forgot your clothes."

"What the?", Reno stuttered, dropping his shampoo mic into a furry green-grey mold colony. "I thought you were…."

"Dead?", Kadaj responded, inching his way toward Reno as gracefully as he could with his way blocked by a minefield of pizza boxes and Chinese takeout cartons.

"I was. But Mother has found me again. Brought me back and gave me new life so that _this_ time I can accomplish what I failed to do before!"

He approached Reno, stopping only inches away from his face.

"And I'm going to let you help me."

His mouth curled up into a perverse smile as a mischievous grin spread across Reno's face, exposing teeth as white as the driven snow, though soon hidden as he embraced Kadaj and thrust his tongue into his long lost lover's eager mouth.

Pulling the remote control out of his pocket, Reno clicked and pointed at the radio, which crooned Marvin Gaye as Kadaj let himself fall backwards onto a pile of Reno's long forgotten blankets. Breaking their first long, passionate kiss in many, many months, Reno carefully unzipped his lover's leather suit, planting small, brief kisses and caresses on his chest as he worked his way down. He looked into Kadaj's eyes, seeing a glint of nervousness.

"You alright?", he asked, noticing Kadaj's ever increasing heartbeat in addition to his own. In a breathy whisper, Kadaj responded.

"I…I think so. I want this as much as you do…..but Mother said that I should save myself for the blonde twerp."

"What Mother doesn't know can't hurt you. Besides, if she wants you to bang Cloud so badly then wouldn't it be better that you knew what you were doing by the time you got around to him?", Reno grinned evilly as he slowly lowered his hands down Kadaj's sides, sending a distinct shiver up the silver-haired man's spine. Kadaj's breathing grew visibly heavier. Reno could practically see his temperance and lust dueling in his mind. Temperance was almost certainly about to take a nosedive.

As Reno's hands settled on Kadaj's tight ass, Kadaj greedily wrapped his arms around Reno, yanking off both of his shirts over his head and pulling him in for another kiss.

The CD skipped and then stopped as a knock on the door jarred it out of place. Kadaj and Reno both looked at the door, breaking their kiss and staring like deer in headlights.

"Brother! What's taking so long?!"

"Loz!", Kadaj whispered to Reno, his eyes filled with panic.

"We know you're in there, Kadaj", Yazoo's impatient drawl added.

"Hide under something!", Reno whispered to Kadaj, who promptly covered himself with the blankets they had been laying on and kneeled on his hands and knees with his head tucked down between his shoulders so that he would appear to be a footrest or covered coffee table.

"Are you going to open this door or would you make us do it for you?", Yazoo continued.

Reno reluctantly walked over to the door, undid all three of his locks and opened it, only to be narrowly missed by a charging Loz, stepping to the side as he skidded along the floor, putting his head through a wicker basket. Yazoo sighed as Loz pulled his head out, then he turned to Reno.

"Where is Kadaj?", he asked, scanning the room with a disgusted sneer on his face.

"What are you talking about?! And what are you guys doing back here?!", Reno exclaimed, successfully feigning confusion. Loz whimpered, rubbing his scalp and picking pieces of wood out of his hair.

"Stop whining and go sit down on that ottoman. It's the only thing in here that isn't covered in filth."

He turned back to Reno. Kadaj held as still as he could and stifled a yelp of pain, for Loz had plopped himself down square in the middle of his back. Yazoo, meanwhile, eyed Reno suspiciously, more specifically his lack of a shirt.

"Though if I'm not mistaken, it appears my brother and I have interrupted something."

"What do you mean?", Reno replied, trying with all his stealth not to sound conspicuous.

"Do you always play such erotic music while getting dressed? Usually it's done the other way around."

"Oh that? Yeah, I forgot to change the CD from when Tseng was over last night."

Yazoo studied Reno for a moment in silence, then finally appeared to be satisfied with his answer.

"No, I can see why he would have avoided this place, disgusting as it is. He always was the pansy of the family."

Kadaj's eyelid twitched, the tension building up inside as a result of having one brother use him as a chair and the other one insult him.

"Well, it was nice seeing you guys again, but I really should be going…"

"Not so fast", Yazoo said definitively, gripping Reno's shoulder as he tried to walk away.

"If Kadaj hasn't come around to invite you yet, then it would only be polite for us to do it instead."

"Invite me to what?"

"To beat that kid who keeps murdering big brother! So we can finally please mother and help big brother destroy this pathetic planet once and for all!", Loz piped up.

"He didn't ask _you_, pea brain", Yazoo dismissed him. Loz's triumphant expression quickly soured into one of shameful embarrassment. He suddenly became very interested in Reno's closest mold colony.

"He means, Reno, that we are going to destroy Cloud. And you are going to help us."

"But why would you need me?! And I'll be toast once Shinra or AVALANCHE find out what I'm up to! They could take me down in two seconds flat!"

Yes, it involved swallowing a big chunk of his normally gargantuan ego to admit that, but an excuse was an excuse.

"By the time they find out anything it will be too late. And our methods have improved greatly since last time. Mother has come up with a new plan for us."

He took Reno's chin in his hand and touched his forehead to his own, whispering to him.

"One that I know you'll enjoy as well."

Reno was silent for a while, freeing his hand and backing off from Yazoo.

"As fun as that sounds, I at least have to pretend like I'm on Shinra's side for a while. And it'll look _really_ suspicious if I disappear the same day that you guys decide to make like zombies and resurrect yourselves."

"Very well. But I will be expecting you to join us when the time comes."

Yazoo pulled Reno's mouth back to his, kissing him and then calling to Loz.

"Let's get going. We need to find Kadaj and Cloud as soon as possible."

Loz got up and shuffled out the door, followed by Yazoo. Reno closed the door behind them, listening for the sound of their footsteps to grow distant.

"Brother, I don't like Reno's apartment. The chair was breathing.", Loz complained.

Finally, they were gone. Reno breathed a sigh of relief. In the blink of an eye, Kadaj leaped out from under the blanket, pulled a dagger from his boot and held it to Reno's throat as he pinned his lover against the wall.

"YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING AROUND WITH MY BROTHERS?!", he yelled at a Reno who looked frightened enough to wet himself.

"No! It's not like that!", Reno stammered. "He took me in the back room and did stuff to me while I was almost out cold! You remember that time where you beat me up cause I was supposed to guard Rufus, right?!"

"He 'knew you would enjoy it'"?!, Kadaj pressed the dagger harder against his throat, sending a trickle of blood down his chest.

"I just made him think that I did so he'd go easier on me!"

"And did you enjoy it?"

"No…"

"Reno…."

"Well….not that much…."

Kadaj stomped off, throwing his hands up in defeat. He tried to lock himself in the bathroom, but after a few seconds opened the door and instead headed for the bedroom while mumbling "fucking creepy ass mushroom" and proceeded to slam the door.

Reno called through the door.

"Look, Kadaj, I'm really sorry. I didn't know that you would get so upset about me having sex with Yazoo. I thought he would have told you or something."

"Go away! I'm not talking to you!"

"It's my house! How can you tell me to go away?!"

"Not listening!!!!"

"If you're not listening, then how do you know how to respond to me?"

"La la la la I can't hear you!!!!"

"Fine! If you're going to be that way then I'll just go find Cloud with Yazoo and Loz and you can stay here and miss your little reunion thing."

"NO!", Kadaj screamed, flinging the door open.

Reno chuckled.

"So you're coming with?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

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As much as I enjoy writing this, I'm starting to see this fic as earning me a one way ticket to Hell. Ah well, I can't say it's the first thing I've done to deserve that.


	3. Rude

Disclaimer: Still not owning any of the characters except Hex. The rest are either owned by Square Enix or my friends, as I did kind of steal their DnD characters without permission. whistles Unfortunately I don't own DnD or the World of Warcraft type thing I combined it with…stupid Wizards of the Coast and Blizzard. I don't own the Supahfly quote either. Again, if you should not be reading M rated stuff, then don't. I don't feel like having my stories removed because somebody went and had their mommy complain that I made them have nightmares.

**Chapter 3: Rude**

"Liam! Hit them with another fireball!"

The screen erupted into flames, clearing to reveal a burnt but still charging party of orcs.

"Damn! Amergan! Hit the leader and see if it has any effect on them!"

An arrow impaled the skull of the biggest one, tearing off his head and carrying it through the air a good 20 feet before tacking it to a tree. The orcs looked at the head, then at each other, then at the headless body of their leader, then at the party, expressions of absolute terror on their faces. Then they ran like the puny little chaotic neutral Horde members that they are. The pirate of the group walked over to the corpse, checking its pockets.

"Nothing here? Nothing at all?! Come on, I couldn't have failed my Search check THAT badly!"

"Whatever, man. I say we find someplace to camp before it gets dark. And stop growling at us. It's not _my_ fault orcs don't have shit for loot."

"I wasn't growling". The screen rotated 180 degrees, leaving the party facing a white dragon.

"Wow. And here I was thinking that orcs all had more massive Intelligence penalties than humans", Jack quipped.

"Shut up and roll Initiative. Alura! Do you have something we can use against this?"

"No", said the ten year old sorceress insolently.

"You can breathe ice! Don't tell me you've already used up all your spell slots for the day!"

"But it's a dragon! He might be my long lost cousin or something!", she protested, givng the screen pleading puppy dog eyes.

"You're part SILVER dragon! S-I-L-V-E-R!!!!! Not white! Now kill it before it kills us!"

"Well, she does have a point, Hex. White dragons are like the retarded little brothers of the rest of the dragons, so she does have a sort of responsibility to go easy on them."

"This coming from the pirate who made a side deal with Baron vonWhatshisface to tell him our secrets in exchange for a lifetime supply of rum."

"Hey! You guys lived. And it was already common knowledge that the wizard had a crush on the paladin."

"Do not!", Liam shouted, blushing profusely.

The white dragon sighed.

"This is pathetic". He pulled a large bag, some coins and a dragon sized tooth out of a pouch on his stomach. "Here, just take the loot, take your experience points, hell, you can even take one of my baby teeth if anyone asks for proof that I'm dead!"

He threw the items at the party as he mentioned them.

"Just stop whining and get the fuck out of my woods!", the dragon roared, sending birds flying out of the trees for miles around. The dragon retreated into a cave and pulled a boulder over the entrance. Faint weeping could be heard through the stone walls.

"High five, team!", Jack offered. Hex sighed.

"I swear, we've gotten more levels that way…."

"Rude? Planet to Rude?", the distant voice of Rufus Shinra called. Rude sent a quick "gtg boss wants me" to his team and switched off the computer screen inside of his sunglasses with the blink of an eye.

"Yeah? Something wrong, boss?", Rude replied, acting as though he had done nothing out of the ordinary. In his defense, he really hadn't.

"It's 8:30 and Reno's still not here. It wouldn't surprise me if he was off playing hooky or fucking Tseng, but normally he would have at least called to make up some kind of excuse for not coming to work." Rufus droned casually from behind his desk, not even bothering to look up from the paper he was reading.

"Maybe he couldn't find the phone in that toxic waste dump of an apartment of his. The mushroom in his bathroom must have eaten it."

Rufus let out a hearty laugh.

"Phone eating mushroom! That's funny, Rude. I never took you for the comical type."

"Well, it's not like people expect me to talk much at all. Turks are just expected to stand there and look intimidating most of the time I guess."

"In public, maybe. But there's no need for that now. It's just the two of us and unless the boogeyman bursts out of the closet there's not really a chance of being attacked here. So do you want to tell me what you were mumbling about? Something about orcs and dragon breath?"

If Rude hadn't had years of training in controlling his emotions, he would have blushed at that.

"Oh…that. It's…a sort of team building exercise. I usually just do it when Reno's blabbing about something. I didn't know it was so obvious."

"Well at least you're attempting to do something productive. I swear, Reno's such a loudmouth I don't know how the hell he passed any of his stealth training. I'm not knocking him or anything. But I'm not too big on the social butterfly types. There are much more….entertaining uses for one's mouth."

Rude shifted uncomfortably, sensing an undertone in Shinra's last statement.

"I'm not sure what you mean, sir."

Rufus smirked, leaning forward in his chair.

"Of course not. As attractive as I find the geeky types, I find that they tend to be tragically", he paused, getting up from his desk and walking over to Rude. "Inexperienced."

A little voice in the front of Rude's mind told him to run. Far and fast. What a time to have accidentally turned on his MMORPG game.

"Damn. I wish MY boss hit on me like that!", Jack commented.

"STFU!!!111", Rude messaged, moving his eyeballs as fast as he could to type while keeping Rufus oblivious to his fan club of voyeurs.

"Go for it, man! It's been a while since I've read a good Rufus slash fic!", Alura encouraged him, her horny slut of a player breaking character spectacularly.

"Well?", Rufus probed, anticipating an indicator of Rude's willingness to proceed.

"Don't do it! It's a violation of your employment contract!", the paladin pleaded. Rude was still speechless, his mind reeling at the unexpectedness of his predicament.

"Nervous, eh? Not to worry. Allow me to lead you down a path of pleasures even more fantastic than your wildest DnD campaigns", Rufus said in a low, lustful growl, leaning in to give Rude a hickey so big that he would have to mummify himself in gauze pads just to hide it.

Rufus's head met the wall with an angry crack, causing him to black out for a few seconds. Upon awakening, he rubbed his head and muttered to himself.

"Ah….my freaking head. I'm so wasted…."

He saw that the door of his office had been left open and he was now minus a Rude. Collecting himself and heading down the hall to his morning meeting, he made a vow with himself.

"Rude, so help me you are getting laid before the end of today."

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AN: You know, I don't think I've seen a single Rude slash fic. Though it could be that I just haven't been looking hard enough. And I can see why there aren't many. He's one of the few characters in FFVII or Advent Children that isn't a major bishounen and doesn't have much going in the way of character development. But it's all good because that means I can make him do anything I want and there aren't any past experiences to reference to contradict me. Although you never know….he _could_ have just been playing WoW in his sunglasses the whole time.


	4. Kadaj

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for Nightwish, who I own everything about except the name and everyone not owned by Square Enix, who would probably shoot me if they knew what I was making said characters that they own do. I also unfortunately don't own the song Nemo by the band Nightwish or the theme to Mortal Kombat. I don't own Pikachu either, but I don't really want to anyway.

**Chapter 4: Kadaj/ Oh, Lookit That! A Goth Club Scenario!**

"Ten points!", Kadaj thought to himself, his eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree getting struck by lightning. Cosplayers dressed up as Pikachu always made such a satisfying combination of crunching and splattering sounds when they were being run over by his motorcycle.

"Reno used to love this game…that one time I played it with him before I had to go get stabbied by Cloud and everything."

Downtown Midgar was quite depressing in itself even without the holes in the ground courtesy of Sephiroth's last two attempts to bring about the apocalypse. All monotonous grey and the air thick with the stench of urban decay of an unusually extensive proportion given that this was the **_new_** sector of the city. In other words, it was the perfect place for a goth club. Kadaj swerved to the left to his an emaciated looking man with a pink mohawk, skin so pale that his veins could be seen through it across the street and exactly 1.672 metric tons of eyeliner painted in various places on his face, though only about half of it was around his eyes. Kadaj ran the motorcycle right up the man's spine, giggling as the punk screamed in agony as his internal organs were transformed into undead silly putty. What shocked him however, was the unexpected lift in the air that he got from sailing over the punk's still undamaged mohawk. The motorcycle ground to a screeching halt as he turned around to look at this invincible piece of roadkill.

"What the hell, man?! Why don't you learn how to drive that thing?!", the punk wailed as Kadaj stared at him, mouth hanging wide open in surprise.

"Don't just stand there! Get me a fucking ambulance!", he moaned, blood trickling out of his mouth. Kadaj felt kind of weird just standing there while this guy bled to death in the middle of the road, so he backed up and ran over him again with the same result.

"AHH what the crap?! I said get HELP! Running me over again is NOT helping!"

After Kadaj backed up and ran the man over a third time to no avail, he reluctantly gave up on the idea of getting his points and decided to ask him why the hell he was still alive.

"This…..asshole helmet of yours. It keeps you from dying as well as giving you extra powers of bastard…ness. How does it work and where can I get some?"

The punk gurgled as more blood poured out of his mouth. Kadaj, growing impatient ran up to a similarly dressed girl on the sidewalk and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"YOU! Where can I find the people of the indestructible hair?!"

"In there", she remarked, pointing to a black door three doors down the street with Halloween decorations still up in April.

"How come _you_ get to run people over in broad daylight in downtown Midgar and get away with it when I get in trouble just for sacrificing dogs?", the punk girl whined.

"Same reason my brothers could kidnap children, hypnotize them, bring them back and use them as meat shields without any interference above having insults shouted at them from a distance. Silver haired bishies are too **_hot_** to be apprehended!"

A plot hole glared at him, chastising.

"Well….except by that spikey haired kid with the obnoxiously big sword. Stupid protagonist."

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An "indefinitely borrowed" jar of hair glue later, Kadaj came out of the goth club's bathroom looking like an albino porcupine that had gotten on the business end of a Tesla Coil.

"Rock!", he shouted to no one in particular, heading into the mosh pit to admire the band's singer. This one looked to be about 20 years old, pale yet not overly so with bright red eyes, straight black hair extending to the middle of his back and naturally long incisors that looked like real vampire fangs. He was muscular while still being thin, wearing a black knee length skirt, knee high steel toed boots, a spiked collar and bracelets and a black sleeveless t shirt with "Gaia loves you…but I don't" written on it in neon pink letters. Oh such original lyrics too.

_Oh how I wish for soothing rain_

_Oh how I wish to dream again_

_My loving heart, lost in the dark_

_For hope I'd give my everything_

The set ended and he high fived the band before leaving the stage and running smack into Kadaj, though luckily missing his hair spikes of doom.

"That was awesome! Your band rocks!", Kadaj said enthusiastically, pulling the singer in for a hug, forcing him to duck once again to avoid being impaled.

"Uh…thanks. Nice hair, it's really creepy", he said, pointing to the eyeballs stuck on Kadaj's spikes. "I'm Gary Stu by the way, but I prefer to be called Nightwish. I'm Aeris's forgotten twin brother who was adopted by a pack of kind hearted wolves only days after my birth. For years I searched for my sister, hoping to someday meet her. But alas, she was killed before I could find her. So now between touring with my band and preaching the evils of Cetra hunting I'm trying to find the one who stood idly by while Aeris was murdered and make him pay for his cowardice!"

His hair fanned out behind him as if blown by an almighty gust of wind and his eyes glowed an even brighter, firey red if that was at all possible to begin with. A sort of fuzzy background flashed behind him like a movie on a projector that showed him victoriously ripping Cloud's head clean off his neck with his bare hands and laughing maniacally, though it sounded all echo-y and distant and there were flames in the background and it was so cool!

"But then you're going to meet Cloud and become strangely attracted to him, finally realizing that he had not nearly as much to do with Aeris's death as the guy who put a six foot blade through her stomach, right?"

The whole firey montage behind Nightwish ceased, leaving his head hanging low and his hands dangling limply at his sides.

"Yes, that was the plan. It's more original than just becoming a stalker at least."

"Well it just so happens that I have the same goal in mind."

"You're after Cloud's ass as well?"

"EVERYBODY'S after Cloud's ass."

"I see. Well we can't both take him at once."

"No. That would be most awkward."

"I suppose a challenge of supremacy is in order then. To the death?"

"To the pain", Kadaj suggested, his mako infested irises dilating like those of a cat.

"Ah, touché. Hit it, Mike!", Nightwish called back to the band. Said drummer Mike shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!" as the band launched into a perfect rendition of the theme song of the same name.

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"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG YEAH!!!!!!!"

The club erupted into cheers and applause as Nightwish downed a fifth bottle of absinthe and triumphantly smashed it over someone's head. Thankfully, he was wearing an "asshole helmet", so shards of glass simply rained down on him instead of through him. Kadaj eyed Nightwish blearily, his head resting on the table and a half finished bottle of absinthe in his hand.

"I dun care HOW much BLOOD you GOTS in jur MAKO shtream", he paused, grabbing an onlooker's shotglass and drinking it without even looking to see what was inside.

"Gary Shtu ALWAYSH WIIIIIIIINS!!!!!!", he screamed, jumping up and down like a giddy, if not inebriated little schoolgirl for emphasis. The club cheered him on once again. Kadaj got up and tried to stumble for the door, grinning drunkenly.

"Dude….I can't remember da lasstime I wash thish thrashed before then in the morning….."

Nightwish got under him where he was about to fall, propping him up. They both giggled in a way so freakishly high pitched that it made the nearest vampire explode into a mass of black goop.

"Cummon….lesh go get a quickie in te bashroom."

The two drunkards staggered off into the preschool next door.

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Ah, darn. I missed the chapter a day deadline by about half an hour. I did write most of it yesterday…..then got interrupted by that pesky little thing called "life". Ah well. It's not like I'm not enjoying every minute of it…


	5. Yazoo

Disclaimer: Still not owning any of the characters and you should still not be reading this if you're not into m/m slash. This will probably be a two chapter day, as I didn't get Chapter 5 up until now. By the way, Cloud finally shows up…..hideously out of character and with one speaking line, but he's there!

Soundtrack: Roses Are Red- Aqua

**Chapter 5: Yazoo/LIEK OMG A HIGH SCHOOL SCENARIO!1111**

"Gimme an S!", Yazoo cheered, kicking his lower legs up behind him and raising his twin pom poms high above his head, a smile plastered on his face under several layers of expertly applied makeup. Replacing his usual suit of solid black leather was a two piece combination of a red tank top exposing his nicely toned midriff and a miniskirt with less fabric than the average pair of underwear. Not that this bothered anyone…

"Gimme an H!"

The rest of the cheerleaders echoed his command enthusiastically. The school's cheerleading squad was among the best in the county, yet it was composed of a fairly peculiar bunch. There was Vincent, whose ability to just kind of float around the room and turn into a red vapor alone earned the team so many points at competitions that it wasn't even funny. Although his red cape went well with the team colors, his refusal to take it off was kind of creepy. That and his claw for an arm.

Then there was Barrett. He could always be extra peppy with a pom pom in each gun turret, but there are some people who were just never meant to wear pigtails. Under **ANY** circumstances. He was one of them.

Tifa was the only normal looking one of the bunch, meaning she was the only one who didn't get hit on mercilessly by members of both sexes in the contemporarily co-ed locker rooms.

"Gimme an I!"

"I!"

"Gimme a T!"

"T!"

"What's that spell?!"

"MIDGAR HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!"

"Fucking American school system…", Yuffie the disgruntled biology teacher sighed as she slammed the gymnasium door behind her.

-----------------------------------------------------

"You know, for a girl with such small boobs, Tifa sure needed a lot of help with her bra", Barrett commented to Yazoo as they made their trek to English, the seas of students parting ahead of them in the wake of their unbelievable hotness.

"What about Vincent? He doesn't even HAVE them and he needed the entire TEAM to take off his training bra", Yazoo said snidely, though putting on a temporary smile and waving coquettishly to the blonde beauty known as Cloud, the captain of the ice hockey team. Time slowed down appropriately and a halo indicating his rank as the story's ultimate unattainable heartthrob turned on.

"So manly…so ruthless and threatening", Yazoo whispered as an aside to Barrett as they passed. It was true. Though at first glace Cloud looked like the picture of innocence, far too small to hurt anyone except for maybe poking them with his hair, one would also notice right away that strung around his neck was a necklace of broken teeth collected from the mouths of all of the opponents he had managed to pound mercilessly into the side of the rink over his year as captain, which was also coincidentally his first year on the team.

Arriving in front of their English class, Barrett and Yazoo paid Moses for his services and went inside, sitting near the back so that they would be able to pass notes unnoticed. At the head of the class stood a young, energetic student teacher. The class smiled mischievously, ready to feed like vultures at the first sign of weakness on her part.

"Good morning, class! My name is Aeris Gainsborough and I'm going to be your new substitute English teacher. Now for today's lesson I'll be going over something that will be very useful to all of you, especially those 'artistic' kids sitting in the back writing poetry."

"You know not my nor the immense pain that is my existence!", Loz yelled, now wearing even more black than before, most of it around his eyes and drawing a razor blade across his wrist like a bow across the strings of a violin.

"Riight. Anyway, today's topic will be how to write a fanfic. Ideally you would have decently developed characters and a plot of your own creation which fits in reasonably well with the characters which you are trying to put into it. Of course the characters will change during the course of the fanfic; it probably wouldn't be a very good story if they didn't, but they will all at least begin the story in character and make realistic and fully explainable shifts from there. Sadly though, this does not always happen. But not to worry! You can always just fall back on a tried and true fanfic scenario such as a Goth Club Scenario which you should have seen in the last chapter if you did last night's reading assignment, the High School Scenario, the College Scenario, which is like the High School Scenario except with more sex, drugs and usually more rock and roll as well in addition to copious amounts of alcohol. The Blanket Scenario, which is usually a variant of or combined with the Lost in the Woods Scenario in which two characters are forced to work together and share bedding supplies and each others' body heat as a means of survival, the Final Fantasy meets X Movie Scenario, which is almost always just a chapter of behind the scenes complaints about costumes and casting thankfully run out of steam after the author realizes that if the movie could have been successfully made with characters from Final Fantasy, it would have already happened. A special and alarmingly common case of the Final Fantasy meets X Movie Scenario has become so prolific that it has earned its own name; the Rocky Horror Picture Scenario. It's mostly self-explanatory with the most masculine character cough_Sephiroth_cough being forced to play Frank N Furter at gunpoint/swordpoint/vaporizing gun point and everyone getting in ridiculous costumes for the Time Warp, after which the fic ends because that was the best song of the movie and nobody really cares what happens after that anyway. Then of course we have Mary Sues, Gary Stus and Author Insertions, which are trite enough to deserve a scenario category all to themselves, though they may involve any number of additional scenarios. Any questions?"

"If Sephiroth were to fuck Kadaj, would it be considered masturbation, incest, neither or some weird combination of the two?", Tifa asked, much to the class's delight. Questions such as this one had made this week's two previous subs commit seppuku and hang themselves with their own belt, respectively. Without missing a beat, Aeris answered calmly as though she'd put serious philosophical thought into this question as well.

"That would just be considered hot. Any questions that AREN'T stupid?"

Tifa's face turned the same shade of red as her cheerleading uniform.

"No? Well then if I'm not mistaken, you all need to find dates for the dance. And remember, friends don't let friends write Self Insertion!"

The class obediently filed out into the hallway, gossiping about their potential dates. Yazoo was so wrapped up in his conversation with Barrett that he walked right into the smecksy form of Cloud.

"Oh! Cloud, I'm so sorry about that! Moses! Isn't God supposed to let you clear the hallway before us?!", Yazoo called over to the man with the staff incredulously.

"In this fic, Cloud IS God", he corrected him.

"It's nothing. Say, would you like to go to the dance with me?"

"I…I'd love to! Let's go!"

Yazoo grabbed Cloud by the arm and pulled him into the dark but disco ball lit gym.

Music blared out of the speakers manned by Rufus, who was wearing a backwards baseball cap and attempting to spin records before just giving up and putting on a CD.

"_Roses are red and violets are blue_

_Honey is sweet but not as sweet as you_

_Roses are red and violets are blue_

_Ah did um did um……whatever that is backwards"_

Cloud and Yazoo grabbed each others' hands, swinging around energetically in a circle to the music.

"_Dum di da did um_

_Dum di da did a_

_Dum di da did a_

_And roses are red_

_The only thing you said was_

_Dum did a did um_

_Dum di da did a_

_Dum di da did a _

_And roses are red"_

Though their antics annoyed the other dancers trying to cop a feel on their date or imitate intercourse as best they could while still mostly clothed, Cloud and Yazoo thought that they were hitting it off remarkably well for having been on speaking terms for all of ten minutes, so they went into the janitors closet to make out.


	6. Loz

Disclaimer: Still owning none of the lemony goodness that the characters of FF7 and Advent Children are being put through. I know this story is kind of crappy but reviews are good things…

Soundtrack- Albuquerque by Weird Al

**Chapter 6: Loz/It's Not What it Sounds Like!**

In every high school, there are those who get all the friends, make the cheerleading squad or sports team and have fun at all the dances because good luck just sort of radiates from them like baryons off of notoriously unstable Uranium atoms when said atoms are pelted with neutrons. (In a very literal sense, but nobody really understands how or why so they just sort of go along with it and thank whatever god they pray to that it hasn't given them cancer yet.)

And then there's Loz; the one who is so emo that he tried to hang himself with the string to a light bulb because he was the fifth emo in a room and so he was left with no corner to sit and cry in. But alas, he even failed at failing at life and so he was shunned from the emo room for the rest of his miserable life. For entire periods he wandered the hall of the high school, ugly and alone, searching for a place where he might find a corner in which to write bad poetry.

"Yeah….like that. Do it again."

Loz stalled for a moment, wondering why the janitor's closet was speaking to him.

"Nice handwork. Now show me your longsword!"

Loz, realizing that there was a second voice inside the closet and that it wasn't actually talking to him, paused to hear more of the conversation when he recognized the second voice to be that of his brother, Yazoo. But then the moaning started.

"Oh fuck yes, unsheathe that thing!"

"Stick it in me! Right there!"

"OW! You missed! How the hell could you miss?! Can you wield your sword with any precision or do I have to handle it for you?!"

Loz's eye twitched and something deep in his mind snapped. The other voice was Kadaj.

'Oohh…slippery fella. You'll never poke me right if you can't maintain your grip."

"I never knew playing with German Longswords (AN: sorry Brie!) could be so satisfying!"

"Yes…hit me again! Harder! HARDER!!"

"WHAM!"

Someone's back hit the door of the janitor's closet, knocking Loz out of his terrified trance and sending him running down the hall while whimpering "Mother! Why hast thou cursed me with such perverted excuses for brothers?!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is he gone?"

"Yes, along with his sanity."

"And desire to fuck anything for at least a week."

The closet door opened. Kadaj and Yazoo walked out, now dressed normally.

"Good. That means he won't go near anyone before tonight. And Mother will persuade him if necessary when the time is right", Yazoo commented, sheathing his German Longsword.

"You know, I was starting to think that the whole 'Let's make cheap innuendo behind a door and make it sound like we're fucking each others' brains out when we're really just sparring' scenario was so played out that he wouldn't have fallen for it", Kadaj remarked, walking toward the door and his waiting motorcycle and picking the dried blood out of his hair spikes.

"It's Loz. He's not the brightest chocobo in the flock."

Just then, Loz jumped out of nowhere, plopped two sacks on the back of the motorcycle behind him, revved the engine and called back to his brothers.

"Screw you guys and your little closet scenario! I'm outta here and I'm taking your boyfriends with me! YEEHAW!!!"

His wheels bringing up a cloud of dust, Loz rode off with his trophies into the mid-afternoon sun, blaring Weird Al from his radio speakers. His brothers could only stare gaping at him as the chorus of "_Aaaaaaalllllllllllllbuquerque!_" faded into the distance.

"He took Cloud?!"

"And Nightwish! Son of a.."

Yazoo clamped a hand over Kadaj's mouth.

"Don't insult Mother! The last thing we need right now is to have her after us with the hose again."

Kadaj shivered at the thought, removing Yazoo's hand from his mouth.

"And he took the bike!"

"Where's yours?"

"In several pieces, lying in the road and/or insides of a street cleaner in downtown Midgar."

"Do I even want to…"

"Know? No, you don't. Now let's go find us some rides."

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Fin de capítulo seis. Por favor traigame una vida.


	7. Cid

Disclaimer: LOTS of dirty language and suggestiveness and whatnot. No outright slash though….yet. I still don't own any of these characters except for Nightwish and I don't even own his name. Kind of sad when you think about it. But I'm always open to getting one of them as an early birthday present! wink wink

**Chapter 7: Cid/Gasp! Mistaken Identity!/Kidnapping!**

"Just my luck", Vincent mumbled to no one in particular. He knew that even if his captor or fellow captive could hear him over the motor of the bike or the profanity saturated tirade that one of them was going on, neither of them would be inclined to give a rat's ass. "Why is it that I seem to have a habit of getting kidnapped and thrown into the depth of some lab to be experimented on? Why me? Haven't I had enough anal probes already?"

From the one good glimpse he had gotten of his kidnapper, Vincent recognized him to be one of the silver haired psychos that Cloud had killed a few months before.

"Cloud. Damn, this whole kidnapping thing kind of throws a monkey wrench into those plans."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen you heard the man correctly. He's about to be taken to who knows where by one of Jenova's freaky spawn and yet he still worries about whether or not he's getting any tail tonight.

"WHERE IN SHIVA'S NAME DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE THAT THING?! GODDAMNIT WILL YOU AT LEAST WATCH THE FUCKING POTHOLES YOU ALBINO OGRE SHIT FOR BRAINS SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING CUNT WEASEL?!"

"Mother is NOT a cunt weasel! And I'm pretty sure she can't fuck herself. I mean, she _does_ have a lot of tentacles but that belongs in hentai more than yaoi…"

"Yeah, he _does_ have a point.", Vincent said, again not really expecting anyone to hear him.

"OH BLOW ME YOU SHIT LICKING BAG OF POND SCUM! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS?!"

"Good question."

Loz laughed, taking a sharp turn.

"You know why, Cloud. Now shut up so you can save your energy for tonight."

"Cloud? Maybe I _will_ get laid after all."

"I'M NOT CLOUD YOU FUCKING TOADSTOOL FULL OF DICKCHEESE!! NOW LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING SACK BEFORE I MAKE YOU WISH YOUR HENTAI SLUT MOTHER HAD JUST LET YOU DRIP DOWN HER LEG OR TENTACLE TYPE…THING!!!"

"Not Cloud? THAT'S a relief. I was wondering why he was swearing so much and had an Australian accent. He could be PMSing, but usually that just means his emo-ness goes from moping in the corner to becoming a walking Weezer AMV."

"WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I SWEAR I WILL RIP YOUR SPLEEN OUT, SHOVE RAZOR BLADES UP YOUR URETHRA AND KICK YOUR COLON SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!! YOU SON OF A TWO TIMING SON OF A BITCHSKANKSMALLPOXCARRYING WHORE!! YOU COCK SUCKING BACKSTREET BOY!!"

Vincent felt a warm sensation coming from near his feet. The bag was on fire. He panicked, releasing Chaos and clawing his way out of the bag. He fell off of the motorcycle and hit the ground rolling. Chaos calmed down soon after Vincent stopped rolling. He saw Loz stopped on the motorcycle and looking back at him. He simply shrugged and said "Wrong guy", then continued down the road. He then noticed that the second man was also in the road a few feet away from him and fighting the fire that had eaten away most of the top half of his bag.

"STOP DROP AND ROLL GOD FUCKING DAMNIT WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?!"

The remaining flames rose temporarily. Vincent quickly reached in and pulled the man he now recognized as Cid out of the flaming sack.

"THANKS MATE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS ALL ABOUT?!"

"No, I don't. But you don't have to yell anymore."

"SORRY! THE CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK ON!!"

"Did you start that fire? It looks like it came from your bag."

"YEAH, SOMETIMES I CAN SET SHIT ON FIRE JUST BY SWEARING AT IT! IT'S KINDA NEAT!"

"Especially when it gives you third degree burns?"

"I COULDN'T HELP IT MATE! HE RIGHT PISSED ME OFF!!"

"I know. And wouldn't you rather find him and get revenge than sit here and wait for the fire department to show up and nab you for the bar you burned down last week?"

"HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!"

"I know **EVERYTHING**. Now are you going to use your pyro powers to track down the silver haired son of a bitch or not?"

In truth, Vincent had no idea what Cid was doing last week and had only ventured an educated guess. It was funny how often these turned out to be right on. Cid, alcohol still on his breath from his morning cup o' joe with vodka, wasn't in his right mind enough to know that his bullshit meter should have been going berserk. So he could only sit there, very close to wetting himself with fear and prepare to go along with whatever Vincent had planned.

"He called you Cloud on the bike, meaning that's who he really wanted to kidnap. So the next place he'll probably head is toward Tifa's bar. Do you have any way of getting there?"

"WHAT?! DO YOU THINK THAT I JUST KEEP A REMOTE CONTROL TO THE HIGHWIND ON ME AT ALL TIMES IN CASE I EVER GET KIDNAPPED BY SOME LOONEY ON A MOTORBIKE AND NEED A LIFT?!"

"Yes, that sounds exactly like something you would do."

"YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S RIGHT HERE."

Cid pulled the remote out from a pocket on the inside lining of his coat and clicked a button. A minute later, the Highwind was visible coming over the horizon to bring our hero Cloud two lovers closer to the orgy to end all orgies. (Literally. Jenova TOLD Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz to do it so you KNOW it can't be good.)


	8. Tseng

Thank you for the reviews!! I still don't own these characters. Nightwish isn't in this chapter so it doesn't matter if I own him or not.

Soundtrack: Don't Try Suicide- Queen

**Chapter 8: Tseng's Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day**

5:00. Finally. Officially, it was quittin' time, though Tseng knew that he could be called back at any moment should something come up. He had always hated Mondays. But this one had taken the cake. First, he woke up not in his bed or hanging upside down from a clothesline a la Batman, but tied up in his mother's basement in Eastern Wutai. Deciding that getting free was higher on his priority list than finding out how exactly he got there, he broke a fingernail in a place uncomfortably close to the root whilst ripping the liver of one of the twelve guards out through his navel. He didn't like having to use that move much. It was effective, but so messy. Now he was going to have to change clothes when he got back into Shinra territory. But the hassle of disposing of the dozen body guards was nothing compared to the wrath of his mother.

Bitch, bitch, moan, moan. "Disgrace of a son" this, "traitor to your country" that, "fraternizing with the enemy". Okay, the last one he was more than guilty of.

"Mother, as much as I'd love to stay and chat about how much of a failure of a son I am, I really have to get to work now", he said, tightening the ropes around her arms and locking the closet door.

------------------------------------------------------------------

And with that, he began his three hour trek along the borders that Wutai shared with the fire swamps of Florin and the capital district of Mordor. Fortunately, the base of Mount Doom was home to a train station where an hourly train departed to its Shinra occupied sister city, Midgar.

Indefinitely borrowing the skin of a conveniently unconscious troll, Tseng boarded the train and tried not to think about all the things that Reno could have set on fire in his absence.

It was raining in Midgar, letting the smell of rotting troll seep into Tseng's skin. His phone beeped. 109 messages from Rufus since this morning.

"That can't be good", he thought, reluctantly deciding to forgo the change of clothes in favor of finding out what the hell was going on at Shinra HQ that was so damn important. Imagine Tseng's agony when he climbed the walls up to the 70th floor, did a graceful backflip through an open window and into Rufus's office to find the president curled up in a miserable and defeated pile in the corner and crying over his dead goldfish.

"I'm just having a horrible, no good, very bad day™", Tseng thought as lightning struck him for the third time. "Mother must have given me the Evil Eye."

And there could be only one cure for the Evil Eye. Right up Cloud Strife's ass.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Home at last…**

A vein in Tseng's head visibly twitched when his cell phone began to ring once again. Putting down the knife and stepping away from the throwing line in front of the dartboard which was sporting a new picture of Rufus's head, he answered, masking the psycho knife wielding homicidal maniac inside, just itching to burst forth and spread havoc and destruction out onto the world.

"Yes?"

"Tseng…do you know where any of your underlings are? More specifically Rude?", Rufus's voice came out as an anxious squeak.

This was not good. Tseng debated just ending it right there, but supposed that it would be harder to get rid of the curse of the Evil Eye as a ghost. Damn sadistic Wutaian shamans. They just HAD to make all of their countercurses include explicit sex acts.

"No…why do you ask?"

"Well he kind of…ran out of my office his morning and you seemed like you were in a bad mood when you were here before so I thought it would be a good idea to let you calm down before I told you about it", he said in a hurried single breath.

Tseng reached for the gun in his pocket.

"Rufus…I get the distinct feeling that there's something you're not telling me. Why did Rude run out of your office?"

Silence. No less than ten seconds later, Rufus replied.

"Promise you won't get mad at me?"

He switched off the safety.

Taking Tseng's silence to mean agreement to the terms, he continued.

"I kinda sorta in a manner of speaking and subject to interpretation… came onto him this morning. Could you track him down and make sure he's not roaming around like a maniac? Or a mime? Oh fuck I hope he doesn't turn into a mime…"

"Goodbye, Rufus."

With a click, Tseng hung up the phone and raised the gun to his temple.

"And goodbye, cruel world."

Blood painted a perverse splatter on the wall as the body fell to the ground.

_(Don't try suicide)_

_Nobody's worth it!_

_(Don't try suicide)_

_Nobody cares!_

_(Don't try suicide)_

_Nobody's worth it!_

_(Don't try suicide)_

_Nobody gives a damn!_

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Oh….creepy, no?


	9. Harry Potter

I still don't own any of these characters except one that isn't in this chapter anyway. I do own the monkey though. Rated M for making Vincent sad among other things.

**Chapter 9: Harry Potter and the Pointless Crossover**

****

"So why were you impersonating Cloud, anyway?" Vincent asked, looking out of the enormous front window of the Highwind as it flew around the outer limits of Midgar. Donwntown had been declared a No Unusually Large Flying Objects Zone after Bahamut tried to eat it. Cid did much bitching and moaning about it, but he calmed down after the fourth day of being locked in the basement.

"Why were YOU impersonating a CHEERLEADER?!", Cid spat back defensively. Vincent blushed so much that he almost looked alive.

"No reason…"

He spotted two familiar faces riding chocobos about a quarter mile ahead of the ship. Hoping to change the subject, he pointed them out to Cid.

"Hey, look. I think I see your boyfriend down there."

"Ow! Nii-chan, it bit me again!", Kadaj whined, nursing his bitten hand. The green chocobo he was riding warked, holding its beak high in the air victoriously. Yazoo sighed, looking back from the top of his black chocobo.

"Maybe it wouldn't bite you so much if you didn't keep trying to give it head against its will."

"I did no such thing1 I don't even know what chocobos' naughty bits LOOK like!" Kadaj crossed his arms indignantly.

"You know, for someone on his way to an orgy you have an awfully low maturity level."

"S'not _my_ fault our author sucks."

"Actually it is. One of the drawbacks of being bishounen is that at any given moment there are countless horny, sugar high and overly caffeinated teenagers who through some cruel twist of fate feel the need to not only have us act out their worst and wildest fantasies, but do it for all the internet to see. We're too hot to die, but also too hot to go unmolested."

"That sucks."

"Well, it does give us the ability to make completely unexplained transitions from one scene to the next until the author feels like explaining what the hell happened. If they ever get around to it that is."

"Yeah, I was wondering where these chocobos came from."

"Unfortunately it works both ways", a third voice said.

The chocobos halted. Vincent was standing in front of Yazoo with cid right next to him. The chocobos wanted to get these idiots to their destination so they could run free as soon as possible, but not if it meant getting on the wrong end of Cid's spear or Vincent's gun. A materia glowed inside Kadaj's arm.

Stretching to the heavens, he shouted "SUMMON PLOT DEVICE!!!"

A black speck descended from the clouds. As it came closer, it became clear that it was a teenage boy with glasses and a scar on his forehead. And he was riding a broomstick.

"Chosen One here! What do you need me for?", Harry Potter proclaimed, making a graceful landing and standing proudly in the middle of the group. The group stared back awkwardly. Yazoo cleared his throat.

"So….you're the plot device?"

"Yes. That's why you summoned me, isn't it?"

"Well, yes. But I think we were hoping for someone a little…..BIGGER", Kadaj said.

"And above the age of consent."

"I'm an adult in the wizard world! I can go potty and everything!", Harry insisted, unusually proud of that for a 17 year old.

"I'm sure you can", Vincent replied sarcastically.

"What?! How are you not impressed with me?! I am the Chosen One! The Boy Who Lived!"

"Yes, but what are _you_ doing _here_? In _our_ universe? CGI type animation doesn't suit you", Cid commented.

"I know this is going to sound crazy, but Dumbledore told me to come here to retrieve something for him. He's actually dead and just appeared to me as a ghost so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to give him a solid, physical object, but it was my fault that he died and I'm the tragic hero so I have to do everything his ghost says to make it up to him. Especially since he got so fugly and glowy in the afterlife."

"This…fugly glowy guy….was he wearing a lab coat and looking like he had never quite figured out how to work a shower?", Vincent asked suspiciously.

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"That wasn't Dumbledore, you moron, it was Hojo! He played the same cruel joke on me, all those years ago…"

Wayne and Garth ran onto the screen, waving their arms and making sounds like a xylophone being thrown down the stairs while the screen behind them got wavy and faded into a memory.

-----------------------

**GRATUITOUS FLASHBACK SCENE!!!**

**-**-----------------------------

Vincent was lying on his back, drool spilling out of the left side of the maniac grin on his face. The pupils of his crimson eyes were unevenly dilated with the pupil of the right eye being half the size of its counterpart on the left.

"A B C D L S D…. gummy bears are chasing me…."

Vincent half sang half giggled. He flapped his arms and legs as if trying to make a snow angel on the table. Hojo stood off to the side, smirking and taking notes.

"Well THERE'S an unexpected reaction. Perhaps we should test this further."

He retreated into a supply closet, pulling out a fishing pole and a rainbow colored stuffed chocobo. Hooking the chocobo onto the end of the line, the "good doctor" lowered the toy over Vincent's head.

"Gasp! It is the angel of death, come to take me back to the magical land of duct tape and spork fairies! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Vincent's mouth broke into a wide grin and the irises of his still asymmetrical eyes glowed like effigies on Guy Fawkes Day as he reached up and attempted to grasp the chocobo with his claw. Hojo pulled the rod just out of his reach, lowering it again when Vincent put his hand down, now frowning. His oh-so-creepy looking eyes filled with tears.

"Chocobo dun like me?"

"No. Neither does Lucretia because now you can't frolic in the magical land of duct tape with her."

"But…but I want to! C'mere choco-bitch! You is gonna take me WITH YOOUUUUU!!!!!!!!"

Vincent swung at the doll in vain while Hojo jerked the fishing pole around, laughing his ass off.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!", Vincent giggled, looking down at Hojo's legs. Looking down, the doctor noticed that they were engulfed in flames up to his knees. He screamed like a little girl, then ran around the room looking for water and shouting "I SWEAR I AM GOING TO KILL THAT KID!!!"

Wayne and Garth once again came onto the screen, waved their arms and made noises like a xylophone being thrown down the stairs and made the memory go blurry and revert back to the original scene.

--------------------

**END GRATUITOUS FLASHBACK SCENE**

---------------------------------------

"Eh…sorry. Wrong memory. That was the time Hojo gave me cocaine", Vincent apologized.

"That bastard! How DARE he impersonate Dumbledore and go after that poor kid who set his pants on fire!"

"Nah, trust me, he deserved it", Cid mumbled.

"Out of curiosity, what did Hojo send you looking for", Vincent interjected. Harry blushed, suddenly becoming very interested in his shoelaces.

"A stone. It used to exist in my universe, but it was destroyed after Lord Voldemort tried to get it. Heh….it was Dumbledore who destroyed it too….yeah I was kind of stupid to not find that suspicious. But he said that he needed me to get another for him from here so that he could come back to life, but he couldn't get it himself because of the place that it was hidden."

"And that place is?"

"Up the butt and around the corner of some guy named Cloud Strife."

"So you're after Cloud's ass as well?", Kadaj asked, his silver eyebrows raised so high that they almost reached his hairline.

"EVERYBODY is after Cloud's ass", Yazoo sighed, rolling his eyes.

"But that doesn't mean you'll all GET there, yo!", Reno gloated, glowing materia in hand. Wayne and Garth ran onto the screen and shouted forebodingly.

"Dun dun DUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The set behind them froze in place. Wayne looked at the scene behind them.

"Oh. A cliffy. Bummer, dudes."

Garth giggled. "Hehe…you said bum OH MY GOD I'M ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAYNE!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!"

Garth collapsed onto the ground in pain. Wayne started the breathing exercises and shooed the camera away as a monkey's tail and a single black wing struggled to free themselves from their anal confines.

------------------------------------

I've already started working on Chapter 10. It's going to be a long one and probably the last one; I have to go back to school this weekend. But should I post it right after finishing? Or should I delay putting up the conclusion of the cliffhanger until the very last minute? Hmmm…………. XD


	10. Sephiroth

Okay, I lied. One (I'll try to keep it to one but if needed there might be a second) chapter after this one. Either way I have to finish this before Sunday, so the most you'll have to wait for the (liek omg!!111) EXCITING conclusion of this embarrassment to the English language is two days.

Still not in the owning-ness of any characters except Nightwish and I don't even own his name. You still should not be reading this if you're still in training panties or otherwise object to loads of gay innuendo with the graphic descriptions getting worse as the next two chapters go along. Now complete typing the chapter I will.

Soundtrack: Smack My Bitch Up- Prodigy

**Chapter 10: Sephiroth and the Badass Chase Scene**

Garth stands along on the screen with a winged monkey on his shoulder.

"Good news! It's a demon!"

The monkey pokes him in the ear.

"OW! Yeah, I'm doing it. Anyway, here's the rest of the story."

Garth and the monkey walk off and the action resumes.

……………………………….

Tseng stood looking straight ahead of him with his right arm pointed out to the side, still holding the gun. Against the wall next to the window, a body slid slowly down the wall, leaving a trail of blood that mixed with his long, silver hair. Two mako green eyes stared out at his shooter's unmoving form.

"Out of all the fucking places I choose to resurrect myself", Sephiroth growled as he fell into a sitting position, a trickle of blood running down his face from the gaping hole in his forehead. "So this is the thanks I get for stopping by? You're not still upset about that little joke my brothers played, are you?"

"Damnit, Sephiroth. You've just been shot through the head and you don't even have the decency to die?", Tseng said bitterly, ice daggers shooting from his mouth. The arm with the gun dropped to his side and Sephiroth brushed away the incoming icicles with a single gloved hand.

"Nah, sorry. It hurts like a motherfucker, but give me ten minutes or so and I'll be good."

"That wasn't fucking funny. Those bastards encased me in ice in the fucking Northern Crater for three whole days and put ZZTop CDs on repeat for hours on end!"

Tseng lunged over, grabbing Sephiroth by the shoulders and shaking him for emphasis. The silver haired warrior merely grinned and with lightning quick reflexes pulled Tseng in for a kiss. The Turk first held onto his anger, pressing his lips closed against the other man's roaming tongue, but eventually gave in as the familiar heat of his long dead lover's body softened his resolve. He moaned in contentment as Sephiroth caressed his lips and tongue so gently, yet so insistently at the same time. Sephiroth purred in satisfaction.

"And now that I have you back, my love", the one winged angel thought to himself.

"We shall fulfill Mother's wishes. Together."

………………………

"Summon Plot Device 2!", Reno shouted, stretching his arm out in front of him.

A glowing mass materialized in the center of the group, taking the form of a teenage boy with a bright red trenchcoat, white gloves with arcane symbols on them and a blonde braid passing his shoulders.

"The hell?! I thought that was a Charizard!", Reno screamed, stomping the ground and crossing his arms like a toddler deprived of his candy.

"I should ask the same thing!", the boy blanched, little black lines appearing at the sides of his head to indicate surprise.

"But enough small talk. Where is it?!", the demanded, pulling Reno down to his height by his collar.

"Where is what, pipsqueak?"

"The Philosopher's Stone! The…"

"Guy in the lab coat with the glasses and the greasy hair told you it was here?", Vincent interrupted.

"Yeah. How did you…"

"Know? He did the same thing to me and Harry here."

"Uh, great. Now could you please stop…"

"Completing your sentences? With pleasure."

"This is fucking insane! Why the hell would Hojo want the stone so badly and WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS IT DOING UP CLOUD STRIFE'S ASS?!", Cid yelled, jamming his spear into the ground. After going through Harry's broom of course.

"It's the Philosopher's Stone! It can transmute things and create a potion that gives the drinker eternal life for as long as they keep drinking it every so often", Harry said.

"It allows alchemists to ignore the Law of Equivalent Exchange! And it's the only way that my brother and I can get our bodies back and bring our mother back to life!", Ed added, releasing Reno's collar. "I'm not giving it to Hojo though. **I **was just using that guy's info to find the stone", he said proudly, holding his head high and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Bullshit. You were just after Cloud's ass too", Kadaj spat.

The alchemist hung his head.

"That too."

"And as for why it's up Cloud's ass, I'm sure there's some sickly amusing anecdote behind it, but we don't have time for another gratuitous flashblack sequence. We have to retrieve the stone before midnight", Yazoo said, impatiently eyeing the road toward Seventh Heaven where Cloud would most likely be staying.

"Why?"

"Some prophecy thing…Mother wouldn't tell me because she said it would make Loz's brain overload."

"Oh come on! He gets bored in the middle of pleasuring himself! EVERYTHING overloads his brain!", Kadaj whined.

"Well, it's sunset now. The bar where he stays is just down the road. If we're all after the same thing, then we might as well go together", Vincent said.

"Yeah, but just walking? That seems kind of anticlimactic", Reno added hesitantly.

"Then we'll have a classic Advent Children style chase scene, duh", Yazoo stated as the chase music came slowly out of the woodwork.

_Smack my BITCH up!_

At these words, Ed clapped his hands, put them to the ground and created a motorcycle out of metals from the ground. Chaos took over Vincent's from and flew away below the Highwind that Cid had started almost instantaneously. Yazoo and Kadaj rode their chocobos and Harry his broomstick. Reno was the only one left without a ride. Using every explicative in the dictionary to express his dismay, he ran down the road after them.

………………….

Panting heavily, yet using any spare breath he had to keep up the swearing streak, Reno collapsed just outside of Tifa's bar. The various rides of his compatriots were parked next to him and by the sounds of it, their owners had already found their way inside.

………………………..

End of Chapter 10. Please eject and flip over.


	11. Cloud

IT IS DONE!!!!! AIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still own only Nightwish, but not his name and not any of the Final Fantasy, Harry Potter or Full Metal Alchemist characters.

Soundtrack: The Perfect Drug- Nine Inch Nails

Snow White Queen- Evanescence

**Chapter 11: Cloud and the Bonus Songfic**

The motley crue of horny-ness entered the bar in a comically organized fashion. They did after all have among their ranks an ex-Turk, kid with an invisibility cloak and fighters trained with varying degrees of stealth. Ed had to settle for transmuting himself a pair of super quiet pads for his shoes because of his lack of leet non-anime fighting skills.

"Here's the plan: Harry, you fly down the chimney and check to see if the coast is clear. Ed, you transmute the locks on the doors and windows into bottles of lubricant AFTER Harry lets you in. Yazoo, Cid and I will sneak around the corners all sneaky-like and Kadaj, FOR SHIT'S SAKE WILL YOU STOP HUMMING THE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME?! NOBODY LIKES TOM CRUISE ANYMORE!!", Vincent finished, abruptly realizing that he had just blown any cover they might have had. A lock turned behind him. He swung around, drawing his Death Penalty. The door opened to reveal a very confused looking Loz and Rude. A very NAKED Loz and Rude.

"Cloud's not here yet. But he left a message on Tifa's answering machine saying that he would be home around 9", Rude addressed the crowd wearing naught but his sunglasses.

"So that gives us two hours. I see that you two decided to get the party started early", Vincent commented slyly, red eyes drifting down south for the winter.

"Duh. I've had a hard-on since I got this body this morning. I'm not waiting around for that Mother forsaken runt to fix it", Loz said, brandishing a bottle of cherry flavored lubricant and several multicolored condoms.

"Hmm. Taste the rainbow?", Kadaj asked suggestively.

"Don't mind if I do!", Cid exclaimed, pushing everyone in the door, where upon crossing the threshold they all suddenly found themselves deprived of their clothes.

Awkward silence reigned briefly before Nightwish jumped through the doorframe and shouted "Aight! Pre-game orgy!"

A disco ball dropped down from the ceiling, the floor lit up like something out of a Michael Jackson music video and the ambient NIN playing without the aid of speakers announced the start of the night's obligatory songfic.

_I've got my head, but my head is unraveling_

_Can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling_

_I've got my heart, but my heart's no good_

_And you're the only one that's understood_

Reno burst through the door to find himself sans clothes and in the middle of a massive disco yaoi fest. He smiled, mouth wide open and eyes lighting up with glee. Ed looked up from the hardened nipple that he was massaging with his tongue and called to Reno.

"Come on in! The water's fine!"

Reno obliged happily, joining the 69 that Kadaj and Yazoo had started, turning it into more of a misshapen zero or a triangle of ungodly hot yaoi.

_I come along, but I don't know where you're taking me_

_I shouldn't go, but you're retching, dragging, shaking me_

_Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky_

_The more I give to you_

_The more I die_

The door opened once more as Rufus marveled that Rude had gotten laid even without his help. Shrugging his bare shoulders, he cannonballed into the CidxVincentxLoz circle of sensual biting.

Barrett came in not two seconds later, at first too paralyzed from shock to move, but all inhibitions were left at the door when Cid yelled to him.

"Get your fucking ass in here and suck me off! This silver haired bitch is being a right pansy!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

_(Ohhhhhh)_

_And I want you_

_(Ohhhhhhh)_

_And I want you_

Tseng walked in unnoticed, surveyed the room and let a small smile spread across his face.

"Create a distraction, my ass", he whispered before sticking a conveniently lubricated finger up Rufus's ass.

"Well hello there. We didn't notice you come in."

"He's like the Chuck Norris of Final Fantasy 7, yo! Of course you didn't hear anything!", Reno yelled over the music during a break from Kadaj's loins.

_(Ohhhhhhh)_

_And I want you_

_(Ohhhhhhhh)_

_And I WANT YOU!_

Eyes wide as he glanced at the door, Reno whimpered and blew his load into Yazoo's mouth, looking as if he had seen a ghost. Indeed, a figure with purple eyes and black spikey hair stood just outside.

"Mind if I join you? I seem to have missed out on the invite, but everybody knows it's not a party until I'M here!"

"Zack! What the crap! You're dead!"

"So's Aeris and she got stuck teaching English a few chapters ago. Alternate Universe! Go figure!"

Out of nowhere, Zack pulled out a 2 liter bottle of candy lube.

"Do I even want to know where you were keeping that?", Nightwish asked coyly.

"Only one way to find out", Zack mused, his trademark mischievous grin making its first appearance in a long while in someplace besides Cloud's wet dreams.

_You are the perfect drug_

_The perfect drug_

_The perfect drug_

_You are the perfect drug_

_The perfect drug_

_The perfect drug_

"Hey, where's the author? Doesn't she want to get in some SI action here?", Ed asked before being forcibly dragged back down into Nightwish's dick.

_You make me hard, when I'm all soft inside_

_I see the truth, when I'm all stupid eyed_

_You go straight through my heart_

_Without you everything just falls apart_

"Nah, I'm over here with the camera. That looks like fun, but I'll spare the readers the graphic descriptions of my ass. Carry on."

_My blood wants to say hello to you_

_My fears want to get inside of you_

_My soul is so afraid to realize_

_Everything without you falls apart_

_You are the perfect drug_

_The perfect drug_

_The perfect drug_

_You are the perfect drug_

_The perfect drug _

_The perfect drug_

By this time, everyone was lost in at least one other man to varying degrees, but all of them were far too distracted to make the 5 Spot Check needed to see the chocobo headed blonde standing open mouthed in front of the door drop his buster sword from the shock of seeing the gay dance club that had once been his living room.

…………………………

Having somehow proven immune to the de clothing doorframe, Cloud tiptoed over the entangled bodies of friend, foe and what-the-fuck-is-that-guy-doing-in-my-house alike and crept down the hall into his bedroom. The ambient sounds of… I don't know what filled the room which was dark except for a single pair of glowing green eyes and a trail of moonlight illuminating his silver hair Spread out on Cloud's bed, Sephiroth was the poster boy of eroticism. With a single finger, he beckoned Cloud to come forward.

The resistance that had built up over the years to the potential realization of his fantasy of relations with his former idol turned enemy melted away from Cloud's heart as his clothes did from his body. Sephiroth the man; not the monster, had come to him at last.

_Stop light, lock the door_

_Don't look back_

_Undress in the dark_

_And hide from you_

_All of you_

"It's been a while, Cloud."

In the days before Nibelheim and then again when he rose as the result of Kadaj coming into contact with Jenova's cells, there had been a distinct evil behind Sephiroth's brilliant turquoise emerald eyes that made Cloud want to run for the hills. He still saw a glimpse of that resident evil. And for that he was afraid. But he also sensed a change in Sephiroth, as if every kiss made more of that resident evil flow out of him and into another video game with more zombies.

_You'll never know the way your words have haunted me_

_I can't believe you'd ask these things of me_

_You don't know me_

_Never, ever_

From the instant Cloud stepped into the room, a piece of Sephiroth stirred that had not been awakened for several years. His soul; the part that not even Jenova could corrupt, but had merely sedated. A whirlwind of confused thoughts ran through his mind, though none of his rage nor Jenova's panicked screams could distract from the purpose at hand.

"Cloud….yes. I remember you. So innocent when you were first driven before me. A pathetic excuse for a cadet. Nothing more. But how you've grown. Into someone who has stood against me and lived not once but twice. Into someone worthy of both my respect….and my heart."

Pulling Cloud down on the bed with him, Sephiroth gave him the most passionate kiss that he had bestowed upon anyone in his life. Passing the threshold of his soft, pink lips, the former general parried and rubbed Cloud's agile tongue, sucking the saliva from his partner's mouth as if it were liquid ecstasy.

_You belong to me_

_My snow white queen_

_There's nowhere to run, so let's just get it over_

_Soon I know you'll see_

_You're just like me_

_Don't scream anymore, my love, cause all I want is you_

Of all of Cloud's fantasies, of all the years that he had secretly longed for this night, none had left him prepared for the reality of his one winged angel's kiss. A long, slender finger traced its way down his spine, radiating fire beneath Cloud's skin as it went. Sephiroth awakened, thinking he was merely in an erotic dream. One of Jenova's tricks meant to break his spirit and assert her dominance over the body that she had stolen. But the monster that he had called Mother for so long was only filled with fear, anger, hate and her immortal desire for vengeance. She could never create this all consuming sense of belonging, of acceptance, of love that now filled the fallen angel. He whispered under his breath so that not even Cloud could hear.

"I am awake. I am alive. And I am never letting you go."

_Wake up in a dream_

_Frozen fear_

_All your hands on me_

_I can't scream_

_I can't scream_

"Cloud. You don't need to be afraid anymore. It's really me this time. I promise, I'll never hurt you again."

"In an instant, Cloud knew what Sephiroth said to be true from the depths of his long dormant soul. Biting his lover's neck, intent on leaving his mark of possession, he moaned loudly as Sephiroth's fingers entered his tight behind.

_I can't escape the twisted way you think of me_

_I feel you in my dreams and I don't sleep_

_I don't sleep_

Drawing his fingers back and forth inside of Cloud, Sephiroth planted soft, tender kisses along his neck as the blonde breathed his name, barely above a whisper. Hearing this ignited the silver haired angel's passion beyond the point of no return. Withdrawing his fingers from Cloud's anus, he wrapped his hands around the younger man's waist. Cloud turned his head around, kissing Sephiroth once again, trembling with the power of the uninhibited emotion that ran through his veins and gave him more life than even his blood. After all these years, it was time.

_You belong to me_

_My snow white queen_

_There's nowhere to run, so let's just get it over_

_Soon I know you'll see_

_You're just like me_

_Don't scream anymore, my love, cause all I want is you_

"Now…Sephiroth….take me now."

Hearing his love say his name was the final push that gave him the power to overcome the alien being that had invaded his system and taken over his life. Jenova's formerly deafening screams faded into the back of his mind, then faded away into nothing.

"You're no Mother of mine", Sephiroth directed his thoughts to Jenova. "And I won't kill again for your sake. Now get out of my body."

_I can't save your life_

_Though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting_

_I'm losing my mind and you just stand there and stare_

_As my world divides_

Sephiroth entered himself into Cloud over and over again with increasing speed and power, driving himself deeper and deeper into his lover's body as if trying to take a piece of Cloud's soul with him.

Judging from Cloud's reaction, he may have succeeded.

_You belong to me_

_My snow white queen_

_There's nowhere to run, so let's just get it over_

_Soon I know you'll see_

_You're just like me_

_Don't scream anymore, my love, cause all I want is you_

_All I want is you_

_All I want is you…._

"SEPHIROTH!!!!", Cloud screamed, spilling white cream all over himself as he felt his lover find his release as well. Collapsing on the bed, exhausted and shaking in the wake of their passion, Cloud and Sephiroth spent the rest of the moonlit night in each others' arms, free from the chains that had bond them to incompatible lives and the impregnable boundaries of good and evil that had been erected between them.

………………

Lying in various positions on the floor of the living room now covered in several types of liquids and gels, the participants in what must have been a wild orgy considering the portion of the ceiling that was plastered with cum and the inch or so of it freely flowing on the floor were in states too tired to sleep, merely cuddling their respective favorite partners as the veil of dreams took them in one by one.

The end of their infamous song could still be heard, worming its way into the subconscious's of the spent men, making some of them even sing along.

_Take me_

_If you want me_

_Take me_

_If you want me_

Back in Cloud's room, the blonde ex-SOLDIER had fallen asleep in the arms of the man who had been so many things to him; idol, enemy and now lover. The pale moonlight spilled over them as Sephiroth held him, stroking the side of his face.

_Without you_

_(Take me…if you want me)_

_Without you, everything falls apart_

_Without you_

_(Take me…if you want me)_

_It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces_

_Without you_

_Without you, everything falls apart_

_Without you_

_It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces_

Sephiroth laid a tender kiss on Cloud's forehead, finally allowing himself to smile.

……………

Sephiroth's the only one who actually gets into Cloud's pants? It's not a gag and he gets a serious songfic? Heh. Guess who my favorite character is? XP

Well, that was a delightful waste of two weeks. Unfortunately the possibility of a sequel is kicking around in my head, but I doubt I'll get time to write it until the next break. (Unless I can somehow manage to get credit for it in College Writing. XD) Thank you to everyone who read and/or reviewed! It's almost 2 AM, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drop into a nice little coma now.


End file.
